


Holding His Ale

by MissAtropine



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Awkwardness, Comedy, Humor, Rogue's Gallery, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 08:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10407687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissAtropine/pseuds/MissAtropine
Summary: After Two-face bets that Joker is a lightweight drinker, Joker proposes to settle that he can indeed hold his ale by hitting Gotham's finest nightclubs. Meanwhile, the night before, Harley decides on having a sleepover. Romance is present, but is not the centrepiece of this story!





	1. I

One summer night in Gotham City, the sky was thick with its usual black clouds that loomed over the skyscrapers like some sort of curse. It looked more like autumn than summer, with its leafless trees and stunted blades of grass, even though it was only mid June. Darkness clung to every object, making every corner and secluded spot appear more threatening.

The Ice Berg Lounge was amid this gloom, despite being lit up like a light bulb which made the place stick out like a sore thumb.

Inside, it was pretty desolate, as it usually was on a Thursday night.

Apart from the main bar, in which two of Gotham's most wanted, sat on stools as they slowly sipped at their drinks, looking depressingly down into the bottom of their glasses.

"We almost had him!" Two-Face cursed, smacking his fist on the counter, making their glasses clink.

"I know..." Joker muttered, leaning his elbow on the table so that his chin could be supported by his palm.

"I mean... he was on the edge of _death_! Did you see the Bat wheezin' and coughin' when I stunned him with that smoke bomb I found?!"

"Yes. I know." Joker replied emptily, looking disappointedly into his glass again.

" _Hell!_ If his ass-kisser side-kick hadn't shown up we'd have killed h- "

"I _know!_ " Joker growled, suddenly standing up and giving the man a shove off his stool. "Now will you _shut up_ and let me have some quiet time you half fried _potato!_ "

Two-Face narrowed his eyes and sat back on his stool, "Fine."

The Clown Prince did the same, facing wearily ahead and not giving his ally a single scrap of his attention; neither of them said a word. Joker would occasionally sip his drink, or sigh, then check the bar's clock in case it was closing time - not that it mattered, even if he was thrown out of the bar, he'd still feel just as bored when he went back to the hideout... then he'd feel more pathetic when Harley would latch onto him and coo him, until he gave in to her... not that anyone knew he truly did have a soft spot for the kid...

"What you need is a break." his previously silent ally interrupted, placing a firm, singed hand on the pale man's shoulder.

"What?"

"A day off! Or night off... You know. One night without any schemes, bats or asylums." Two-Face pitched, finishing his whisky with a long gulp.

"I dunno Harv, what the hell would I do?" he asked in monotone, seemingly uninterested in the idea.

"Just do whatever the hell you want! Y'know, do whatever you do normally to relax or have a good time."

"A good time? I was having one _this evening_ until _Boy Blunder_ showed his sorry ass!" Joker snapped, burying his head in a cage of arms.

"Okay ... What about to relax? Bats don't make you relaxed does he ..."

" _Ha!_ No, obviously not..."

"So come on, what do you do to relax?"

"What do _you_ do?!"

"I asked _first_."

"Well, _I'm_ a better bad guy than you."

"What?! _Yeah right_."

Joker kicked Harvey's leg without lifting his head out from his arms, and his ally let out a yell. "Damn it! _Fine!_ I'll answer the damn question!" he grumbled, eyeing Joker now. "When I'm not busting open bank safe's I'm usually in here on weeknights, but on weekends..." Harvey whistled and let out a hoarse laugh. "I'm hittin' the city's clubs. Pam sometimes comes along but I don't stick with her, she's a bitch when it comes to strippers and cocktails. It's the lemon and lime thing... with the cocktails I mean."

"You go _clubbing_?!" Joker exclaimed in surprise, lifting his head up and sitting upright. " _You?!_ " He laughed amusedly, then took another sip of his half full glass. "And what do the ladies think of the _Mr Crusty_ side of you, _eh_?" He let out a cackle, and Harvey let out a growl.

"Oh _yeah_? Then how come whenever we meet up in here, you're always drinkin' water or soda- I ain't ever seen you touch alcohol! _Ever_!"

Joker was silent.

"It... doesn't _appeal_ to me Harv... and I never want to be in the 'In-Crowd' - I thought you'd know that by now..."

"Have you ever been to _any_ of the nightclubs in Gotham, Joker?" Harvey asked solemnly, glancing at the half glass of water in Joker's hand venomously.

" _Sure_ I have!"

Harvey smiled, "Try me."

"Um..."

"I'm all ears."

"That should be 'ear' Harv... one of 'em's burnt..."

"You don't know the names of any of 'em, do ya?!"

" _Sure_ I do - Erm... there's that one I imagine _you_ always visit Harv, it's got... pink flashing lights - and men... or _women_ (I can't tell the difference!) stood outside the doors... Y'know if I was _saner_ , I'd go as far as to say that the joint's a gay club."

"I've had enough of this Joker! I know the _real_ reason you never come out clubbin'. And it's none of this avoiding the 'In-Crowd' crap!" Harvey snarled, eyes narrowing and blazing at the clown who was finishing the remainder of his water, smugly. "It's because you can't hold your ale."

 _"What?!"_ Joker snapped overly loudly, making all of the very few who were present in the bar, turn their heads to watch him in concern. "Are you _serious?!_ Get back to Arkham you half frazzled potato chip!"

"Naa," Harvey brushed off, returning to a calm state. "I bet you never come clubbin' because you're afraid of havin' a _real_ good time..."

_"I'm not afraid!"_

"Fine. Prove it to me this weekend."

Joker fell silent and looked away from him, wearing an unreadable emotion.

" _This_ weekend? Gee, I don't know about _that_ Harv, this was the one weekend where I promised Harl I would - "

"You never reserve a place for Harley in your schedule! You're coming with me even if you have to cancel your date with Bats for one damn night!"

Joker sighed and rested his chin in his palm, one hand's fingers drumming the counter like it was the rhythm of his thoughts. " _Fine_ , fine. I'll do it Harv."

Two-Face smiled and gave him a proud pat on the back.

"But _you're_ buying."


	2. II

"Mr J!" Harley called, carrying large mounds of shopping bags like bundles in her arms. "Mr J! You home?"

There was no answer.

What did she expect? A loving "yoo-hoo"? Or a little surprise like her dear Puddin' hiding behind the door, waiting for her to find him...

No. Of course not. She didn't expect that. She never did on a Friday night.

As she made her way through the back door to the Fun House hideout, she dumped the bags of groceries and supplies in the kitchen area, the henchmen could sort it out in the morning. She glanced at her wristwatch when she noticed Bud and Lou dozing in their usual corner of the kitchen, snoring loudly.

" _Eleven_? Wow, I guess Ivy tricked me with the clock gag again... But still... the babies are always active at night... Why are they asleep now?" she whispered to herself, turning away and shrugging it off.

Harley gasped as she reached the alcove through to the main hideout, realizing she'd not turned on a single light when she tried to make her way through the Fun House in the dark (not so easy with Mr J's death traps every here and there).

It wasn't long until she noticed she was back by the kitchen again and she cursed herself, knowing she was going to be stuck until Joker came back from his Batman escapades. Which could in fact, be until Monday - a whole _weekend_ away.

She sighed. She _knew_ that she should have persuaded Joker to install more than one light switch for the main Fun House...

There was suddenly a noise of a door opening - what she recognised as the bedroom door. Every noise echoed in the Fun House, that's why Harley liked it so much, it reminded her of a cave... but this sound made her alert, for she knew that no one was supposed to be there, apart from her.

Harley held her arms up in front of her in a fighting stance, and she slowly followed the vibration of flat footsteps, everything a big block of black in front of her.

A sigh echoed around her and she felt her blood pump faster; she could hear her heart beat in her ears, the blood was rushing to her head.

The steps were close now and the outline of a vaguely human figure came into view, Harley's eyes narrowing. She crept a little closer, realizing she was probably behind them because they hadn't attacked her first.

She raised a single arm, a little smirk on her red lips. "Think you can trespass on _Mr J's_ turf do ya?! Ha! _Think again_!"

_"Whaaaa - ?"_

Harley struck the figure's face as they turned to face her, and they let out a familiar agitated growl.

There was a click and the lights flickered on.

Harley's eyes widened in shock.

There was her Mr J, hand poised over the light switch, left cheek glowing scarlet. He was scowling and his shoulders were tensed.

For once he didn't look too happy.

_"Harrr-ley!"_ he growled menacingly, dropping his arm from the switch to gesture dramatically. "What the _hell_ did you do that for?!"

"Y-You ain't here on Fridays! I-I thought you was someone snoopin' around -"

"So _this_ is what you do on _Fridays_ huh? _You beat up guys in the dark?!_ " he spat, placing a palm on his head as he scrunched his face up in a wince, like he was tired or in pain - or both. "And why are you out of your usual get-up?"

He sighed, he really wasn't in the mood for an answer.

"I can't go out shopping in my _costume_ Mr J... The cops would be on me like wild - "

" _I know what!_ Now shut the hell up! I'm going to bed!"

She widened her eyes as she trailed them down his figure, finally noticing he was in his vest and boxers, which he normally slept in... she would have realized sooner if she hadn't been so mortified about what she'd done.

Joker turned, about to turn the lights off again, holding the stern, irritated look on his face.

_"I'm sorry Mr J..."_ Harley murmured, bottom lip trembling.

Joker took a deep breath and closed his eyes, opening them again as he felt his face relax. "Go to bed Harl." he ordered calmly, not even glancing back at her.

"But Mr J - "

"I said go to bed! _Now!"_ he yelled, spinning around to glare at her with those wickedly green eyes.

She gulped and scurried at record pace towards their bedroom door, hidden behind a giant, singed clown sculpture (it blocked the eye's view, so anyone like Batman rarely knew that it was there).

The lights blinked off as Joker made his way after her, muttering and grumbling to himself as he went.


	3. III

Harley clambered into bed half an hour later. She'd made sure she took as long as possible in the bathroom so that Joker had time to cool off and sleep... So that as long as he was asleep, the less she had to face his wrath - because she knew she would be punished for her mistake. Not that she minded a punishment from him normally...

She laid down on her side of the bed, looking over at Joker, who had his back to her, as usual.

She pulled the covers over her a little more, since he was taking most of the sheets for himself. As a consequence of the movement, he rolled over to her side, letting out a muffled growl. Her heart was beating ten to the dozen, but it wasn't long until she let out a 'Phew' when he returned to his old position and began lightly snoring... At least she was sure about him being asleep.

She rolled onto her side, facing the back of his head, biting her lip with worry. She wished she could apologize properly, she hoped he would forget - but she knew that her hopes and wishes were pointless. Because Joker would make sure that neither would happen.

She sighed, squeezing her eyes closed tightly, forcing sleep to come to her. Yet it was futile.

Joker rolled over again, and Harley sensed the movement, cracking open her eyes. She couldn't help smiling as she looked at his face - he looked so peaceful, something he rarely ever looked. Only she had seen his face like this. And it's always an image that stuck in her mind whenever she thought of him.

 _"Arleeyyy..."_ she heard him suddenly mutter quietly. Her blue eyes brightened, even in the darkness of their bedroom, for her heart was secretly singing inside of her.

"Nn-nooo..." he murmured, eyebrows meeting in preoccupation as he continued. "Whyy..."

He tossed his head away from her, burying his face in the pillow. "Ah cahnw howd mweh alweh Hurv..."

After a while in which his murmurs had died down, and his head hadn't moved, Harley's concern for him grew a little... he could suffocate himself if he shoved his head any further into that pillow.

"Mr J..." she whispered firmly, reaching out her warm hand to shake his cold shoulder gently. "Mr J... Wake up..."

"Hwuh whaw?!"

He lifted his head and then sat up on his elbows, eyes groggily searching the pitch black bedroom for the source of the voice. His hair stuck out at various angles, making Harley bite her lip to stop her giggling.

"Harleyy..." he groaned. "What is it _now_?" He yawned and stretched his arms up above him.

"I - I - "

"If this isn't good I'm gonna scrap takin' you out on my next heist..."

"I'm sorry Mr J." she replied softly, stroking his shoulder. "I'm sorry for bein' so stupid... I should've asked who it was first! I'm sorry..."

"So you should be. Now goodnight Harl."

"No! No, wait - "

"Good. _Night_. Harl."

He was about to turn over, eyes drooping with exhaustion until he felt something soft yet firm push against his lips. His eyes widened in surprise at the kiss - he was used to Harley doing this sort of thing - but he felt that this time it was different... Maybe it was because it was so out of the blue, who knew?

She pulled away from him, her blue eyes now fatigued and relaxed, eyelids hiding her perfect eyes. "Goodnight Mr J..." she breathed, turning over to face away from him, as he always told her to do at night if he was still awake.

There was a brief pause.

"Whoa whoa _whoa_! Not so fast toots!" Joker exclaimed loudly, making her jump yet she didn't face him. "What the hell was that for?"

"What was what for?"

"The... you _know_ what!"

"I can kiss you can't I?"

"Well... _yeah..._ "

"And you like it don't ya?"

"Uh... _I guess_...that I do, yeah..."

"Then that's fine right?... I can kiss you if I wanna."

"Wait... This is because you hit me earlier isn't it? You needed to shut me up and you have... _well_ I'm not fallin' for your scheme you conniving little minx!"

"But why are you here tonight Mr J? Usually you're out plannin' some scheme with the others, or out fightin' Batsy himself..."

"I... I'm having a weekend off."

"What?! _A_ _weekend off?!_ And you never thought to tell me?!"

"Well you see the thing is... I was in the Ice Berg Lounge and - "

"Oh! This is _perfect_ Mr J! We could sleep in... or stay up late talking about our pet hates, or watch scary movies or have a pillow fight! A whole weekend of _you and me_ , just gazing into each other's eyes! Isn't it romantic?"

"Don't you mean _pathe_ tic?! And no, I'm not going to spend my whole weekend on _you,_ you worthless piece of trash! I'm going ou - "

"Oh please! Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseoh _please!_ We haven't spent time together in _ages_ Mr J! I've missed you!"

Joker suddenly froze for that moment in time. He felt himself frowning, and felt his mouth curve into an upside down smile.

 _'Oh come on! You're the mighty Joker! Don't say you're going soft on the dame! Plus you have a party to get to - remember, Harvey's paying!'_ his favourite voice in his head said, making him angry with himself for feeling sorry for the kid. _'But you_ are _missing Harley aren't you?'_ his least favorable voice told him, making him look into her blue eyes and he could see the pathetic hope that shone in them. _'You haven't seen her properly in_ months _... The kid's going to lose faith in you eventually... Imagine if that happened? She'd find someone else, settle down, have a family, divorce and then end up living in some bungalow until she died of old age, not making a single difference to the world... not making the Joker look as powerful - like she is now...'_

_'I hate it when he makes sense!' the other voice replied, in which the sane voice chuckled deeply in reply. A chuckle that was almost sinister._

"Stupid voices..." Joker muttered, his eyes rolling up to look up at his forehead.

"What?" Harley asked confusedly, her little mouth in the shape of an 'O'.

"Oh... nothing you need to worry about Pumpkin."

He reached out and pulled her into him, letting her lean her head on his chest. It made him cringe, but if it meant he had control over her, he would do it... like the voice said, if he lost her now, he would not nearly be as powerful. Her loss would weaken him.

"M-Mr J..."

Joker kissed the top of her head, a little smile of his face. "Yes baby?"

"I can't wait to spend a whole weekend with you..." she whispered, her eyelashes tickling his shoulder as her eyes fluttered shut. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't see you for another week..."

He frowned and found his eyes dropping shut too, his breathing more relaxed. "Yeah... I'll be here kiddo, don't you worry..." he whispered in reply, yet in his mind, he was already planning a way of getting out of seeing her tomorrow night... instead he was going to meet Harvey and prove that he _could_ take his alcohol, one way or another. The man needed to be proved wrong, after all, the Joker was _always_ right... he couldn't have Harvey thinking otherwise.

"Night Mr J..." Harley interrupted his thoughts, but nonetheless he found himself smiling, he blamed his tiredness.

"Night Harl..."

There was silence for a few minutes, and Joker was beginning to finally fall asleep again, even with Harley cuddling him and nuzzling his shoulder and collarbone's skin.

"Mr J?"

He didn't answer, he was too distant in his sleep now, but he'd heard loud and clear.

"I love you." she whispered, leaving a kiss on his neck's skin.

" _Goodnight_ Harley." was his disgruntled reply, and he fell deep into sleep once more, feeling strangely relaxed with Harley clinging onto him as she slept.

He didn't think getting to Harvey on Saturday night and proving him wrong was such a difficult thing to do... For once, Joker was going to find out just how wrong about that he was...


	4. IV

Joker awoke during the middle of the night, green eyes tight with fatigue as he faced the darkness of his bedroom. Harley was breathing deeply next to him as he sat up, shielding his eyes because he even found the darkness too bright.

He usually slept soundly, which is not something you would think a psychotic murdering criminal would do; It is believed that most people in his position would be plagued by nightmares, or haunted with the ghosts of the hundreds, even thousands of people Joker has killed... But he had none of that, none of it worried his conscience.

Clearly on this particular night, he really _was_ worried about something. And it bothered him.

Badly.

He swung his pale legs out of bed, pushing the covers off of himself - all of which was done rather indiscreetly, which showed he didn't care about Harley waking up.

Joker cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair, considering why he was so worried... He would just meet Harvey tomorrow night - so what was the big deal? He'd stood Harley up many times before... actually, _all_ the times she'd asked him to free time for her. So why was this different? He never wanted to be with her when there was always another option of having a much more fun time ...

And that was when he realized.

He actually wanted to stay with her...

He didn't really like the kid, but ... after the thought of him being weaker due to her absence had dawned on him, he would make sure he was certain that she wasn't going to go off him anytime soon.

Immediately, Joker left the bedroom, heading out into the main Fun House, which he passed through (via the light switch) to reach the kitchen, where Bud and Lou where snoring heavily.

He rolled his eyes and sighed at them, but chuckled when he saw that neither of them had removed the sleeping dart he'd given each of them. Well he could never really be bothered to look after them... it was Harley's job.

He patted their heads, a smile on his lips as he crept by them to reach the telephone. Not considering what early hours of the morning it was, he dialed a number, holding the phone to his ear. After a few seconds the number began to ring, and did so for an exceptionally long amount of seconds to which Joker began muttering curses and grinding his teeth into the receiver.

This all stopped when someone picked up, _"Who the hell is this?!"_

Joker plastered a forced grin on his face, even though they couldn't see him ... something he tended to do whilst he was on the phone. "Well hello to you too Harv!" he exclaimed loudly, to which he heard a pained noise in reply.

"Shit Joker! Do you have any idea what time it is?! And I'm already getting ear ache from hearin' your voice, so hurry the hell up!"

"Aww gee. What's the time? Hmm, I don't know. Is that some kind of _riddle_? Hey, maybe I'll call up Eddie and see if he can help me with that one!" He cackled loudly and Two-Face groaned in pain again.

"What do you want Clown?!" he growled.

"Oh I was just calling to say I can't do tomorrow night, like I said, my schedule's ... just _crammed_ full!"

"Look, just cancel the goddamn Bat - "

"Oh _no_ , it's not Bat Butt this time, it's Harl... You know, she hasn't seen me in a while, so I figured she'd need a booster because I know she's a needy little brat. Seriously, you should see her dealing with the withdrawal symptoms..."

"Harley?! _Seriously?_ You're usin' _her_ as an excuse again? Well there's no way in hell you can take your ale if you'd rather spend the night with Harley!"

"Harv, I never said I _wouldn't_ do it!" Joker shot back, a brief moan from one of the hyenas behind him making him calm a little. "I just wanted to rearrange it for Sunday."

"Can't you spend the whole day with Harley and leave Saturday night free?"

Joker scratched the back of his neck.

"Harv," he replied with a little chuckle. "There are some activities that were never meant to be performed during the day..."

Two-Face actually laughed too, and his gravelly tone lightened slightly. "Ah I getcha, I guess I'd free up a night for Pam any day of the week if that was in question..."

"Shame. _I don't think she would!"_ Joker retorted, giggling. Another unhappy grumble came from the other line.

"Shut the hell up!"

"Now now Harv, you do want me to attempt to prove that I can handle alcohol don't you?"

Harvey sighed, "Yes."

"And _you_ want to win this bet, yes?" Joker said in a serious tone, an amused grin on his face.

"Of course."

"Then you be a good little slice of toast and move our little scenario to Sunday, and everything will be right as rain... or sun... or... _clouds."_

"Right, I get it." his colleague snapped, sighing. "And what if I don't?"

"I'm sure Pammie would be interested to know who's garden you've been... _tending_ to this evening, _don't you?"_ he bellowed lowly, grin spreading further across his face.

"Y-You know what J? I like the sound of Sunday myself..."

The phone went dead as Joker hung up, slamming the phone down.

"Well boys," he whispered, smiling at the unconscious hyenas. "Looks like I'm a people pleaser after all..."


	5. V

"Mr J..." Harley whispered, pressing the button on their novelty pop up alarm clock to stop it from buzzing. "Mr J..."

Joker grumbled and rolled over to face her, eyes firmly shut.

"Mr J..."

_"Shuh uh Arleh..."_ he replied, his voice muffled.

Harley smiled, climbing across the covers to settle herself on top of him. She got a groggy growl in reply of her actions and he began to roll over. She didn't budge which halted his movement and he suddenly sat up, batting her arms and shoving her off of him.

She gave him a pained look as she backed away, turning her head. When she looked back he was back to snoring again.

She suddenly smiled, and leaned over him quietly, hovering her lips over his neck which was a weak spot of his.

He growled, and rushed up out of his sleep, eyes latched open. "Don't you _dare_ try doing that again! You know what that does to me!" he yelled, swiveling himself out of the covers and sitting on the side of the bed. "What time is it?"

"It's ten."

_"Ten?!_ How could you have let me sleep in Harley! I'll be late for Ba - "

He paused, noticing her looking at him quizzically, without her usual makeup or costume on, making him feel like an even bigger fool.

"Oh never mind," he muttered, prising himself up and heading to the bathroom that was joined on to their bedroom. "I'm getting a shower. And _don't_ decide you need one just as I'm about to step in, kay?"

She nodded but gave him a playful wink. He didn't acknowledge her and continued with his path to the bathroom.

Joker emerged from the bathroom fifteen minutes later, white towel wrapped around his waist and dark green hair sodden. Harley had cleared off somewhere, probably to make breakfast.

As he walked over to his wardrobe, trying to decide what identical suit of his he was going to wear today, he jumped as he felt little arms linking around his bare waist.

"Wha - _Harley!_ Since when have _you_ been a little sneak?!" he snapped, clearly trying to shake off the fact she'd made him jump. She giggled when she realized he wasn't pushing her off anytime soon.

"Think ya could keep on the towel instead of the suit for a bit Mr J?" Harley whispered, hugging him tightly. He sighed. She was usually just as hyperactive on a morning, but this time he could tell she also had a alternative motive.

"Where do you want me to take you Harl?"

"What makes you think that I wanna go anywhere?"

He spun, gripping her hands to push them away from his so he could turn fully. Her stomach almost flipped from the excitement, but only fear made it onto her face.

"Oh you do, you little minx!" Joker exclaimed suddenly dropping his exasperation by plastering a murderous teeth-clenching grin on his face. "I can tell by the way that you're dressed, and the fact that your handbag's ready on the bed."

"Oh Puddin' you're so clever!" she squealed happily, kissing his chin (he'd moved his head upwards so she couldn't reach his lips).

"Plus, I heard you on the phone to Pam a few minutes ago, saying that you're little trip into town is cancelled because of _me!"_ he laughed and she blinked.

"W-Wait? You heard my conversation in the kitchen all the way from the bathroom?!"

"Of course Pumpkin! What else would I have stolen my new shower radio for?" He cackled, putting a hand on his side like he'd told the funniest joke in the world and Harley just wore a little smile, but her eyes showed preoccupation.

"S-So how much did you hear?" she asked, cutting off his laughter.

"Oh... bits and pieces that I thought to be useful. Mainly the part where the Plant started insulting you... that was just hilarious!"

"T-That was it?"

"Oh, and the bit where you said we were going shop - "

Joker paused, realization hitting him. He frowned.

"We are _not_ going shopping Harley!"

"Please Puddin'!" she begged, linking her arms around his neck so he couldn't move away from her. " _Please!_ I only wanna buy - "

"I usually tune out after you say 'I only wanna', and today is no exception toots. So get the hell offa me so I can get changed, now!" he interrupted, expecting her to do as she was told. She didn't.

"But Mr J, I wanted us to go get some supplies for our sleepover tonight," she purred, kissing his neck which he'd left unguarded and suddenly he almost seemed intoxicated. "Maybe we could get some of those spicy potato chips you like, with a nice hot salsa to go with 'em ..."

He was silent for a moment then a wicked smile crept up onto his red lips.

"Ooh, you _devil!"_ he exclaimed, bringing her closer to him. "What else Doll Face?"

"And bubble gum flavored ice cream - "

He hummed in reply, taking hold of both her legs to put one each side of him, picking her up.

"And... sweet and savoury popcorn..."

He kissed her jaw as he walked them both over to the bed, where he laid her down, pushing his damp floppy hair out of his eyes.

"What else?" he whispered with a smirk, climbing on all fours over her.

"Marshmallows. _Lots_ and _lotsa_ marshmallows." Harley droned, fixated on his emerald eyes as they burned into her own sky blue ones. He let out a chuckle and kissed her lips and she returned him feverishly until he pulled away, pushing her back down when she tried to catch his mouth again.

"Anything else?"

"Oh... I could... " She paused, rolling her eyes back as she thought of something else. "I could cook a pizza!"

He suddenly grabbed her by the shoulder and flung her off the bed, laughing hysterically as she landed on the floor with a yell.

His face dropped.

"Harley, that's a terrible joke." he said in a serious tone, the laughter wiped clean off his face. "Promise me that you'll _never_ tell me a joke ever again!"

"I-It wasn't a joke - "

"Go make breakfast. We'll eat and get your goddamn slumber party supplies. But we're only shoplifting the stuff that _I_ want. Got it?"

She gulped and nodded frantically. "G-Got it."


	6. VI

Joker frowned, then blinked as he barely recognised his own hideout. His death traps had all been shoved to the side with his favourite armchair, where dark cushions and mats with pillows and blankets had been put in their place. Their TV (which they'd _borrowed_ from Bruce Wayne fairly recently) had been wheeled in amongst the black and red mound of blankets, which made his jaw drop... had she moved all this by herself?!

He could hear her humming from the kitchen, and he could smell whatever she was cooking ... He was kinda worried because it actually smelled _nice_.

As he soon got over two shocks about his hench-wench in such a short space of time, he took the liberty to snoop around further.

Then something dawned on him ... why did the two of them need so much space? Wouldn't she rather that the two of them were close as possible, in their own bedroom? At least that's what he thought the crazy dame would want - then again what did he ever know about anybody in love? He didn't even know what love was... or whether he was in or out of it half the time.

 _"Harley?!"_ he yelled, getting a mumbled coo of "Yes Puddin'?" from her in the kitchen to which he rolled his eyes in return. "You _are_ intending to have this sleepover just for _us_ , right Pumpkin?"

"Uh ..." Harley started, stuttering as she clattered dishes and pans. "O-Of c-course Mr J!"

"Then how come we need so much space?!" he snapped, and she suddenly turned and he was right there behind her, staring her right in the shiny blue eyes. "And why so many blankets?! And pillows?! It's not like we can have a wrestling match now that you put all that crap there!"

Harley knew he hadn't understood her when she'd said 'sleepover'. Even though she may have said it was just going to be the two of them... she'd needed to say that to get his approval. Plus, she'd be punished for lying to him and she always kind of liked it when he taught her a lesson.

"Mr J... A sleepover ain't a sleepover if there's only two people..."

"Yes it is!"

"Well not really - "

" _It is_ if I say it is! And how _dare_ you lie to me about this being a private shebang! Wait until I get my hands on you - "

He launched forward wrapping his icy hands around her throat and squeezing his fingers into her skin, glaring into her eyes, as the pale eyelids slowly drooped over them. A hollow tapping sound from the main hideout interrupted the couple and he took his hands off her reluctantly, shoving her into the kitchen counter behind her, the look of pleasant alarm on Harley's face.

"Is that your first guest, _Miss Hostess_?" he mocked, grinning in that sinister way that only Harley could find handsome. "Oh please I do _insist_! Just let some of your lamewad friends know the whereabouts of our favourite hideout! Who knows?! If we're lucky, Bats might even turn up!"

The knocks on the secret door continued to rattle on.

He cackled, lifting up his hand and then struck her right cheek, the way she had done to him the night before.

Tears began trickling from her eyes and her cheek glowed a tomato red, and Joker stopped laughing. "Taste of your own medicine as they say..." he whispered tauntingly, leaning into her face. "You better hurry toots, or your first guest might think the whole party's off... and I couldn't have that... after all, I'm _never_ a party pooper!"

Harley's lip trembled as he laughed and she tried to shove him away but he stood still.

She looked up at him, challenging his gaze with her own enflamed eyes. He wore a serious emotion all of a sudden, and then brought his lips down onto her marked cheek.

"Go on," he breathed, pulling away with a little smile. "As long as you haven't invited the Plant I'm sure I'll survive..."

She squealed and squeezed him in an embrace. He just stood awkwardly, unable to move his arms. "Harl." he said, after about ten seconds of her trapping him. "Harl let go now." She kissed his suit's front, then nuzzled her nose in his shirt.

_"Harl!"_

She immediately ripped herself away from him, jumping at the tone of his voice. He watched her in annoyance as she made her way out of the kitchen and into the main Fun House.

She pushed a clown figurine out of the way of their secret entrance, aware that her boyfriend was watching her every move. Resting the half-burnt clown on the nearby wall, Harley pressed a blue button on an electronic contraption that was fixed to the wall.

"Who is it?!" she yelled, Joker wincing from the pitch of her voice.

A small video of whoever was outside flashed upon a screen in the corner, and the loud speaker began to crackle in reply.

"Hey Harl, it's Pam."

Harley glanced back at Joker, letting out a sigh of relief when she saw that he was busy with the channels on the TV as he made himself comfortable (or rather _sprawled_ ) over the blankets and pillows with a packet of flavoured potato chips that had miraculously appeared in his arms.

She swung her head back, blonde fringe swishing into her face as she looked at the video closer.

"Who's behind you?" she whispered firmly, pointing to two poorly concealed shoulders either side of Ivy. The two figures stepped out of Ivy's shadow and waved at Harley, lipstick mouths curving into beaming smiles. "Red, I thought you promised me that you weren't bringing anyone else!"

"Harl, it can't be a sleepover if there's just the two of us." Pam replied matter-of-factly, tapping the camera lens like it was Harley's head.

"It's not just us!" she blurted out, eyes widening. No way was she about to tell Pam that Joker was going to be joining their little slumber party... Ivy would kill her; she was just happy that she'd invited someone else other than Pam anyway, at least she had a cover story for what she'd accidentally said.

"I mean - I invited Selina!" she quickly added, making sure Ivy couldn't input anything. "I hope you don't mind."

Ivy sighed, green eyes lit with amusement, "Let me in Harl."

Harley buzzed them in immediately, standing back to let the automatic door roll up slowly, revealing the redhead and her two brunette friends. The three women entered hastily, already chatting aimlessly at one another.

As Harley was about to press the buzzer again, she heard footsteps approaching the door from outside and looked out into the open, seeing Catwoman and three other women rushing towards her.

Oh god... she'd only invited Pam and Selina... yet she'd ended up with five more guests than she'd wanted!

As the four women entered, Harley slammed her finger onto the buzzer, glaring at both Ivy and Catwoman. The guests dumped their stuff by the door, some of them flinging their handbags over the large mound of pillows and blankets (this obscured their view of what was in front of the TV, consequently all bags were thrown onto the Joker who was jump started, sending potato chips flying all over).

"So I take it you've got booze in here if your hubby's a criminal whacko, right Honey?" one of Selina's friends snapped, and smirk on her lip gloss mouth.

"H-Hubby? W-Whacko?" Harley spluttered, taken aback by the woman's rudeness. " _Hey!_ If you talk about Mr J like that again I'll kick your a - "

"She doesn't have any alcohol in this place," Pam butted in, putting a hand on the rude woman's shoulder and smiling. "But luckily, me and my girls brought some with us!"

The women chatted, moving closer to the blankets and pillows as Harley grabbed the coats that had been abandoned on the floor, taking them out of the way by dumping them in her bedroom, stepping on (or rather breaking) something in one of the coat's pockets as she left the room.

When she came back, the women had settled themselves in front of the TV, which showed the beginning of a popular Rom-com movie. She wondered where Joker had gone, but didn't think anything of it and sat herself down next to Pam, who was leading the discussion.

Not really listening, Harley looked over the blankets, seeing that several bottles of wine had been opened. She rolled her eyes, seeing one of the women already helping herself.

"Harl, were you eating chips before we arrived?" Ivy suddenly aimed at her, attracting her attention.

_"Huh?"_

Ivy pointed down at the scattered chips over the ground blanket and she nodded immediately, feeling that all eyes were on her.

"O-Oh yeah, that was me..."

"Oh and I bet that red mark on your cheek was you too, huh?" Selina said maliciously, curling her fingers around her glass of white wine. Harley looked down and didn't reply, she was glad when the conversation moved swiftly on.

"What about Bruce Wayne?" one of the women she thought was called Abby asked Selina, when Harley had finally lifted her head to listen. "You still with that hunk Selina?"

"Oh, not anymore... I have other interests now. Too mysterious for me. I hardly saw him much anyway." she replied, sipping her wine.

"Yeah, he's a handsome one Wayne," Pam sighed, fluttering her lashes as she looked into the bottom of her glass. "I don't know how you could let a man like him simply walk away - "

Harley lost interest again, focusing on one of the other women, who had stood up and looked at her funnily. "Hey there blondie, _Harl_ isn't it?" the brunette woman asked, icy grey eyes slicing into her. Harley resisted the urge to punch her in the face and forced a smile.

"It's Harley, yes. Can I help you?"

Clearly the woman needed to ask her something, none of the women actually wanted to socialize with Harley, they just wanted to be using someone else's living space, she knew that.

"May I ask where your bathroom is?"

"O-Oh, sure. It's just the door next to the kitchen alcove, over there." Harley replied, pointing to a steel door that had Joker's graffiti all over it.

The woman faked a smile and walked in the direction Harley had said to go. She paused when she reached the door, looking in disgust at the violent drawings and murder jokes that were etched and spray painted into the steel.

Rolling her grey eyes, the skinny woman pulled down the handle, opening the door to slip into the room.

The women's chatter turned into laughter and Harley looked around at them in confusion. She must have missed the joke, but made a grin when a couple of the guests looked at her, making sure she fitted in.

A scream rang out from the bathroom, and the group of females all turned their heads towards the direction of the shriek, wide eyed with shock. The brunette woman suddenly emerged, bursting open the door with tears of black mascara streaming down her cheeks.

"Shannon! What's wrong?" Pam asked calmly, standing up to walk her over to a part of the room where there was more cushions (and more potato chips) so she could be more comfortable sat down.

"Oh Pam!" she sobbed, hands shaking as she clutched at her sides. "It was awful! I just went into the bathroom to check my makeup, and I turn on the light, and go to the mirror. I look in the mirror and something catches my eye - and I see this ugly demented face with glowing green eyes smiling at me from the corner!" Shannon broke down into a barrage of tears, and Pam comforted her, patting her shoulder. "It's horrific! Like something from a Stephen King novel!"

"It's ok. I'm sure it was nothing." another woman said, sitting near them.

"It _wasn't_ nothing! I saw a _hideous_ man looking at me! I thought he was going to _kill me_ Abby!"

Harley's eyes widened... _so that's where he went..._

The bathroom door suddenly swung open, hitting the wall with a clang. "What the _hell_ just happened?!" Joker roared, face changing and jaw dropping when he saw the eight females staring back at him in shock.

"Was _that_ the guy you saw Shannon?" Ivy asked, losing her surprise when the Clown Prince lost his shocked look and wore that silly grin again. Shannon nodded as she looked at Joker, still sobbing in fright.

"Look, is anyone gonna tell me why some dame disrupted me reading my newspaper while I was on the crapper?!" he bellowed, crossing over his arms and sneering. "Or why the hell I was nearly suffocated by dead fur handbags when I was trying to watch the damned TV?!"

The women looked at him, appalled.

There was a few moments silence.

Selina was the first to speak.

"Gee Joker, that's a hefty red mark on your face you got there... how'd you get it?"

"Oh... y'know Selina, a few _cat scratches_ here and there with all that hanky panky stuff never hurt anyone ... well, I dunno - _maybe a few!"_ Joker giggled, one hand running through his luminous green hair.

Ivy narrowed her eyes at him. "Why are you here?" she asked snidely, standing up to walk over to him.

"Well in case y'haven't noticed Pammie, it's _my_ hideout!" he answered with a chuckle, feeling someone familiar clinging to his side.

"Yes I'm aware of that Clown. I meant, why are you here _now?_ You always fight Batman on weekends."

"Well, for your information _Leaf Lady_ , I'm here 'cause I wanted to spend my precious time with daddy's favourite little minx in the whole wide world!" Joker exclaimed, pinching Harley's healthy cheek to which she let out a love struck sigh.

"Of course. You _always_ free up time for _Harley_ , I should've known." Ivy said sarcastically, pushing past him to head into the bathroom herself. She paused by the door, "Oh and next time, try locking the door jerk!"

He cackled and she growled, slamming the door on his laughter as she disappeared into the bathroom. Harley still clung to him, nuzzling her nose into his chest.

"You know what Doll Face, I didn't think a girly sleepover would be much fun," he whispered, the other women around them settling back down in front of the TV, leaving Joker and Harley to their business. "I couldn't have been more wrong..."

 _"Really Mr J?!"_ Harley exclaimed, smiling when he grinned.

"Oh yes Sweets. This slumber party is going to be _so_ much fun. I mean it's going to be even more entertaining now I'm here representing males everywhere. Don't you think that's good Harl, me being the only symbol for masculinity?"

She purred next to his ear and he lifted a brow, "Oh yes Mr J! You're the best example there is!" She kissed the skin underneath his ear, and he swallowed, shoving her off him, so hard she fell onto the scarlet pillows behind her.

"Mr J how about we - "

"Not now Harl! I'm busy!"

He stormed past her and the giggling group of women, frowning like he suddenly had something on his mind.

"Where are you goin' Puddin'?!" Harley shouted so he could hear her.

"To get a pen and some paper! I can't listen to those nags neigh all night, can I?!"

"Can I come with ya?"

_"No!"_

"What are ya gonna do?!"

"Plan like I always do! _And then maybe eat something..._ But mainly plan!"

And with that he was gone.

Harley thought he'd said it was going to be fun, so far for her it wasn't ... but then again, like Joker had once said: what did she know about fun?


	7. VII

The women sat in a circle on the pillows and blankets, facing each other as they all helped themselves to slices of pizza that Harley had made for them.

Joker glared at them in envy as he sat on his famous armchair (which was out of the way of the females), clutching a family-fun sized pack of popcorn. He scoffed each piece noisily, receiving annoyed glances from one of the girls every now and then.

They had all ignored him since the bathroom incident, and despite all of them being insignificant compared to himself and Batman, he still craved their attention... after all, an established clown such as Joker was there to mix everything up a bit, not to just sit back in the sidelines.

"Oh come _on_ Cat!" Pam snapped to the brunette woman sat beside her, clearly she'd had one too many glasses of wine by this point. "You _must_ have some ideas if you think _our_ taste in discussion sucks!"

"W-Well I - "

"How about a game?" Shannon suggested, her fat lips bright red from the all of the red wine she'd consumed.

"A game? What d'ya have in mind?" Harley asked with interest, bright eyed despite the fact it was going on for twelve at night, and everyone else (bar her and Joker) was already more than tipsy.

"I dunno you _dumbass!_ It was just a suggestion!" Shannon yelled, necking down another drink.

Harley blushed and shrunk back away from the group. Joker's munching stopped just as a brief silence came over the group and all the women noticed, not daring to look at him.

"I know a couple games," Joker began with smile, chucking what was left of his bag of popcorn on the floor, its contents spilling all over. "I mean... if you don't mind having a _psychotic murdering clown prince_ in your little troupe, I'd be happy to share said games with you ladies..."

Harley frowned at him, but he subtly winked at her as he came closer, the other women too occupied in conferring with one another about his offer.

"What are you doing Mr J?" she whispered firmly as he leaned down so he could hear her.

"Oh, just getting everyone in the slumber party spirit!" he replied joyfully, planting a chaste kiss on her lips which made her feel a little faint. "Oh and Pumpkin, what was the name of the freaky dame that snuck up on me in the little clown's room?"

"Shannon. Why?"

"Oh, nothing for you to worry about Sweets!"

"Mr J ... I don't want anyone dying tonigh - "

"We have come to a dezision." Pam said with a little slur, looking exceptionally pissed off as she looked him over. "We'll allow you to join in as long as you sit with Harley and don't come anywhere near us."

"Aww, so _considerate_ Pammie. Not as considerate as you were with _Harv_ , I'm sure ... "

_"What was that?!"_

"Nothing. Now do ya wanna play a game to liven up this so-called sleepover or not?!" he snarled, all of them answering him with am apprehensive "Yes!" in unison. "Very well..."

Joker sat down crossed legged next to Harley and she snuggled into his side, he found it a nuisance but noticed that some of the women seemed to be jealous of Harley's closeness for some reason, and so he played on it by giving her a kiss on the head and whispering something in her ear to make her giggle. He then turned to face the rest of them, grinning from ear to ear.

"Well the first game I have to say, is _always_ a must at sleepovers. Seeing as you plastic hags haven't played it yet I'm guessing you're all boring old cat ladies _\- apart from you Harl - "_ He gave her a kiss on the cheek and she squealed happily. " _Oh_ , and no offense Selina."

Catwoman shook her head at him, narrowing her bloodshot eyes.

_"Truth or Dare?"_ he asked lowly, looking at Shannon, teeth gritted into a sinister death grin.

"Truth or Dare?! Seriously?! That's a _kids_ game - "

Joker wagged his finger in the air, " _Uh-uh-uh!_ Nope! Not if you're playing by _my_ rules!"

"And what are your rules?" the girl named Cat spoke, shoving her passed out friend out of the way so that she could have more pillows.

"Oh _hello_ Cat! Finally found an opening in the conversation, I see!" Joker laughed, forcefully pulling Harley closer to lay her head on his chest as he fished out a long thin piece of paper with scrawled writing on it from his coat's pocket.

He cleared his throat and began to read.

"My rules are as follows _gentlemen_ : For the greatest glorified game of _'Truth or Dare?_ ' the following components much be acted upon. Number one: _Everyone_ has to take part or they will be permanently laughing throughout the game whether they want to play or not. Number two: All dares _must_ be done no matter the content or risk of said activities chosen for the players. Number three: All secrets _must_ be shared if _'Truth'_ is picked, even if someone dies of shock or blubs because of it _\- although crying people tend to give me a headache, so try not to make anyone cry, kay? -_ Number four: Dares that are created can be as funny and/or dangerous as humanly possible even if illegal nuclear weapons are involved. And finally number five: all topics and/or activities brought up involving _the Batman_ will be discredited and necessary actions will be taken to persuade other players not to bring the pest up either."

"What are these _'necessary actions'_?" Abby, one of Selina's friends asked.

Joker turned, folding up his piece of paper with a huge toothy grin on his face as he placed it into his pocket, trying not to disturb the closed eyed Harley on his chest.

"By killing the first one who brings up _the Dork Knight_ of course! It's usually a bullet to the brain! Or sometimes if I forget my gun: Choking on cream from a Harley-made pie whilst they try to sing the national anthem is a favourite of mine! But if I _did_ have a gun and cream pies were around too... well y'know, I'm not a picky guy, so who knows, you might just get a blend of the two!"

He let out a maddening laugh, which sent chills down the women's spines, although for Harley, the chill was a welcome one.

"Anywho," Joker continued, letting out a long sigh. "You dames get my rules now?"

They all nodded.

" _Ah good!_ Now where was I?"

He paused in thought, then clicked his fingers together, making everyone jump, apart from Harley who he was beginning to think was falling asleep on him. He found her frustrating but the jealous looks she was getting were priceless!

"Oh _yes!_ Of course! _Shannon!_ How could I forget?" he exclaimed letting out a little chuckle. "Truth or Dare, toots?"

"U-Uh ... _Truth!"_

Everyone else groaned and Joker rolled his eyes.

" _Honestly!_ Had to pick the _boring_ one didn't ya, _eh?_ Ah well, anybody got anything they wanna ask this bi -"

_"Yes actually!"_ Selina butted in, staring at Shannon accusingly. "I wanna know why Bruce Wayne was seen with you at the Ice Berg Lounge a couple nights ago!"

Joker suddenly grinned as he watched an argument blossom (which soon turned into a small fight), but then he weirdly phased out after a few moments - _the Ice Berg Lounge_ , where Two-Face had bet that he couldn't take his ale... He looked at the bottles of wine dotted about the circle of women. He could have a drink now if he wanted to, most of the women were too frightened or occupied to care if a bottle of their red wine had been 'confiscated' by Joker...

_"My turn!"_ Pam declared, pushing the two distressed women apart. "And Shannon - shut the hell up and stay out of the game from now on, I didn't think you could be so childish to react so stupidly to Selina!"

Joker cackled at this and Harley let out a little sigh of content from her place in his arms, to which everyone else turned their head jealously, apart from Selina, Pam and the one who was already out of consciousness completely.

" _Oooh_ whose it gonna be Pammie?! I'm sure there's not just _me_ that you'd love to dare in this room!" he laughed, making Ivy grit her teeth.

_"Joker."_

"Fine yes, yes, I'll shut up now."

"No. _You_ Joker! _Truth or Dare?!"_ she yelled, Harley rolling onto her other side as she slept on Joker.

He frowned but held a grin, looking around at the gormless faces of the women looking back at him.

" _Dare_ , naturally." he said quietly. "And may I remind you, no masked men are to be mentioned."

"Oh no, of course not." Ivy agreed, snide smirk sprawling onto her face.

"So come on Pam, what can 'ol Joker do for a herbivore _(cravin' for a little more)_ like you?"

"I dare you to have a makeover."

_"_ You - _What?!"_

" _I said,_ I dare you to sit there, and let one of us do a makeover on you."

" _What?!_ Out of all the dangerous, and above all: _funny_ things you could have picked me to do - you get off on seeing me wearing ladies' cosmetics? You know what Pam, you're _sick! Real_ sick!"

"Well according to your rules, you can't refuse to do it." she replied, crossing her arms over.

"Fine! But... you're leaving after this."

"It's almost midnight. Where would we go? And you couldn't overpower eight women - "

Selina cleared her throat motioning to Harley and the one that was knocked out.

"Okay, _six_ women."

He smiled, lying Harley in the space next to him so that he was free to move. "If you don't leave, I get an extra turn, where I get to choose a _compulsory_ dare."

She narrowed her eyes, "Fine."

"Where do you want me?" Joker asked mockingly, fluttering his eyelashes like a model and then going back to his snide grin.

"Cat, get out your makeup." Selina ordered.

Cat handed Pam her makeup kit, and Joker glared at it - it was massive! How much makeup did one dame need?!

"Are you sure I won't be here _all night?!"_ he exclaimed, realizing it was probably looking like Ivy was going to do his makeover. No one replied, all of them too busy in deciding what to put on his face first.

Suddenly he was beginning to regret saying 'dare' when the girls laughed when they picked up a pot of some kind of liquid that looked almost skin coloured.

He looked down at Harley, who was laid beside him, totally asleep now. _Asleep_ , at her _own_ sleepover! That just proved to Joker what a pathetic waste of space she was - plus the fact that she was never around when he actually needed her.

He poked her cheek, but she didn't stir and he sighed, settling his chin in his palm. Looks like he was alone in this one.

"Which track Selina?" Abby asked from the music player next to the TV, catching his attention. _Honestly!_ They hog his hideout, insult him by saying he needed a makeover (he thought he was _already_ handsome enough) and then started playing their own trashy music on _his_ stereo! He set his jaw, about to stand up and strangle one of them, when one of the women with surprisingly strong arms shoved him back into place.

Joker blinked in confusion, soon noticing that the six women were now sat in a circle around him as a pop song played. He found it extremely, and unusually comfortable as he laid back on pillows behind him, the only thing he could see being fairly hot (well not Shannon) dames surrounding him. He was starting to think that maybe a makeover wasn't going to be such a bad thing...

Until he saw Pam.

She leaned down, suddenly scrubbing something callous and covered in skin coloured makeup over his face roughly. He closed his eyes and winced and all the women giggled.

"Keep your face still!" Pam scolded, holding his chin firmly so that he stopped moving his head away. "I don't wanna see any pale white on your face by the time I'm finished!"

Joker coughed as she powdered something over his face too, and he wished he could reach up to Ivy's face to poke her eyes out. Unfortunately he couldn't move himself away since the other women were pinning him down - he felt violated in a way.

Suddenly, he opened his eyes and his vision was clear but his face felt heavy and tired. "What the _hell_ is on my face?!" he yelled, attempting to get up but two girls restrained him.

Pam turned to him again, grinning as she said, "Close your eyes."

Joker let out a yell and kept his eyes fully open, trying to break free from the vice-like grip of the giggling girls. Ivy crept closer, applying more makeup as he struggled against her.

_"Harley!"_ he shouted, trying to summon her like she was some kind of Pokémon that he could use in battle. "Harley! Get the hell up _now!_ Daddy needs some help!" The rest of the women giggled at this, and he let out a loud snarl to which they all jumped.

Harley let out a little yawn a few metres away and stretched up her arms, looking over the scene casually at first.

Then she sat bolt upright, eyes wide in surprise when she saw her Puddin' being pinned down by her so-called 'friends'.

_"What are you doin'?!"_ she exploded, cheeks flushing red out of anger. _"Getcha hands offa my clown!"_

The girls shrieked and cleared away from her, realizing that they'd probably taken it too far.

She turned to face them, kneeling down next to Joker, but not once glancing at him. The unconscious woman was now up too, and crept to the back of the group of females.

"Get out." Harley simply warned, blue eyes narrowed dangerously. The women didn't delay and began grabbing their belongings. They abandoned all of their litter, and started to trawl out the way they came in.

Pam was the only one left, giving Harley a guilty glance. "Look Harl I'm - "

"Just go Pam. I don't wanna hear it!"

Harley turned away, finally resting her eyes on Joker. As the hideout door rolled shut, telling her Pam had gone, Joker revealed his face to her, which he had been covering with his palms.

Harley gasped, biting her lips to stop her giggling.

"Thanks Harl," he muttered grumpily. "Couldn't have made them leave any _earlier_ could you?!"

"Oh Mr J! I thought they were cooing you! I had no idea they were doing a makeover!"

She laughed, but then had that seductive look her eyes that she always seemed to have when he was around. "They haven't done a bad job y'know ..."

"Yeah yeah, I'll be the judge of that toots."

"Hey, I got an idea!" Harley exclaimed, suddenly bouncing with energy. She thought she heard him mutter 'Oh no', but carried on anyway. "How about I go get some makeup remover, and take all of that crap off your face while you sit and eat the rest of your potato chips and lip sync all of the voices in that crummy rom-com they were watchin' earlier?"

A look of consideration passed onto his stiff features.

"That's possibly the best idea you've ever had Pumpkin."

"Really?!"

He sighed.

"No."


	8. VIII

When Harley awoke the next morning, Joker was already awake, which was rather unusual behaviour, even for him.

He had the TV blaring out, at its usual over the top volume as he sat in his vest and boxers, angrily munching on his bowl of candy cereal. His face had a ghostly glow from the flicker of the screen since it was the only source of light in the Fun House.

Harley crept (in an attempt to be discreet) behind his armchair, which had now been put back in its rightful place (by Joker probably).

"How could they do this Harley?!"

Her stealth had been in vain, _of course_ she'd be caught by him. She was stupid to think he wouldn't have noticed her niggling presence.

She skipped around the Clown Prince's throne in her airy nightdress, sitting on the arm with a look of concern. "Who did what Mr J?" she asked innocently, and he growled in response, pointing a claw-like finger towards the TV screen. She followed the direction of his gesture, frowning in confusion.

"Mr J, that's just Bats and Clayface - "

"Keep watching!"

Harley did as he instructed, watching the various images from the report flash over the screen. At first it seemingly was a standard "Batman busts another spawn of evil from spreading chaos" kind of report, which often were reported on breakfast news. That was, until it started to get into further detail.

_"Batman tracked down Clayface's whereabouts to an old rundown warehouse that was converted into a hideout for Gotham's most notorious criminals, the Joker and Harley Quinn. The location of this lair is still undisclosed information."_

"What? When did we invite Clayface?" Harley wondered, looking confusedly at Joker. He rolled his eyes like she was unintelligent.

_"We didn't!"_ he yelled, chucking his spoon at her forehead, jump starting her. "He was one of those stupid girls that your catty friends dragged along! I _knew_ one of those skinny girls were too strong! I should've known!"

"Why are you so angry? He didn't really - "

"Shut up and stop asking questions Harley." he stated in a snappy tone, clutching his empty bowl as he stood up. She did as he asked.

Suddenly a piece of video footage began playing on the TV screen, the familiar voices emitting from the speakers catching her attention.

The screen showed an amateur camera (probably from a phone), filming the backs of a group of women - she was startled when she noticed that she was actually in the video herself. Half of her face was just about visible in the left hand corner, she looked like she was sleeping...

_"What the hell is on my face?!"_ the familiar voice of her Puddin' came, as the camera zoomed in between two of the women. The picture was slightly blurred but it was obvious that it was Joker, from the hair, suit and voice.

_"Close your eyes."_ a woman's voice said, as the camera zoomed in close to a slightly pixelated Joker face. The skin was an usual colour, like a really tanned skin colour rather than his usual pearly white.

It was apparent that arms were holding him down, and a muffled pop song and giggling could be heard in the background...

This was... _humiliation._

"Harley! _Harley! Get the hell up_ now! _Daddy needs some help!"_

Harley's lip began to tremble as she watched the girls laugh at him, the camera shook, clearly the camera holder was giggling too. Suddenly she could see herself storm through the group of women, shoving them apart.

_"What are you doin'?! Getcha hands offa my clown!"_

Before the video ended completely, Joker hurtled his china bowl into the TV screen and they both smashed instantly.

He snarled with anger as he paced about. _"Clayface!_ That piece of morphing _trash_! Damn him! _He filmed it all!_ How the hell am I supposed to go out and hit the town tonight, without torrents of citizens thinking I've gone soft over some... _sleazy makeover?!"_

"Mr J, maybe you could just stay in tonight - "

An icy silence came over them both as he turned swiftly to burn his green eyes into her skull.

"Harley, you useless brat! I _have_ to do this! I can't have Harvey think I've been rattled by some dumb video Clayface gave the GCPD, for a less harsh sentence!" he snapped, massaging his temples like he had an aggravating headache. "This is _your_ fault. If you hadn't have had to have a _damned slumber party - "_

"You know what Mr J, you weren't even _meant_ to be here! So I don't see how I'm to blame! I had all this set up before you even decided on turnin' up -"

Joker stared at her, gawping like a fish - shocked from her response and the anger that swam in her eyes.

" _Excuse_ me? Are you saying that _I'm_ the one at fault here?!"

"Fine! Be like that you childish egotistical worthless clown!" Harley shouted, eyes filling with tears, as she stormed off towards their bedroom. "Go out and get yourself drunk and end up dead in the gutter for all I care! Get a new dame! I'm not comin' back!"

Joker growled, attempting to lift his armchair from its legs at the bottom, in an attempt to throw it in annoyance, but clearly it was too heavy and he settled for just kicking it with his foot instead.

It was silent. Harley had clearly gone to pack her bags.

"You'll be back!" he suddenly spat loudly, so that she could hear him from the bedroom. "You _always_ come back! Because you're so dumb and useless!"

"Pasty faced creep!" she called back, and he heard a far away smash. He sighed heavily, turning back to his armchair - his only real constant friend.

He sat down forcefully, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath.

Joker had been humiliated, thwarted and dumped in the same day.

Trust the day that mattered to him the most, to be his unluckiest day of the year.


	9. IX

Joker sighed, staring at himself in the mirror with curiosity. He slung his purple jacket on over his arms, taking a comb out of one of the pockets to groom the non-existent knots out of his viridian locks. He suddenly sniffed around him.

 _"Harley!_ Where did you put my cologne?!" he yelled towards the door, shutting his trap straight afterwards as soon as he realized why he wasn't getting an answer.

"Oh yeah... right." he said to himself quietly. "She ain't here."

 _'You don't need her,'_ his favourite voice came, the little hallucination of himself emerging to dance on his left shoulder, as he looked back into the mirror. _'You'll have_ way _more fun tonight!'_

Joker put his comb back in its rightful pocket and looked at his reflection, and the mini-version of himself, a sad look upon his features.

"And what about the – "

 _'The video?'_ The voice paused and then let out a famous Joker laugh, his tiny arms holding his sides. _'All the more reason to shoot up a bar, right?! And the Harley dumping you thing? That can be solved easily.'_

"How?" Joker asked, depressed. Suddenly he felt stupid - he knew he was terrible when it came to relationships. Unless they were business-type relationships or ... whatever Batman was to him. He couldn't quite work out what their connection was... arch nemeses? Long lost twins?

_'Don't go off subject! You know what I'm talking about!'_

For once, Joker looked confusedly at the miniature him. He awaited an answer but his hallucination said nothing more on Harley.

_'Now get your purple butt outta here and win that bet!'_

Harvey was already waiting in the alleyway in which they settled on meeting at, close by to their first nightclub.

He could see Joker's head henchman driving a (probably hijacked) car towards him. Harvey sighed, shaking his head as he looked at his watch, "Damn Clown, he's never on time..."

The silvery car pulled up next to him, Joker immediately jumping out from the backseat. Before greeting Harv, he knocked on the driver window, fishing a wad of cash from his jacket and muttering something incoherent to his henchman, before giggling and waving him off.

"Joker," Harvey said, alerting him of his presence.

The Clown Prince turned, smiling.

"Harv," he greeted mockingly with a nod.

"Where's Harley?"

Joker for once, was taken aback.

What to say? _She's at home_ \- not plausible, she went everywhere with him. _She's with Ivy_ \- nope. _She dumped him_ \- well yes, but perhaps with a little tweak he could play the truth in his favour.

 _"Oh,_ Harley?" he replied innocently, lifting up his hand to his face in order to examine his nails. "Oh _yeahhh_ , I remember her. I dumped her last night."

Two-Face frowned at him, "Well I can see why after that video."

"Yeah, I _hate_ it when dames scrap over guys." he lied, shaking his head, trying to hold back a laugh as Two-Face looked away from him.

"Well good job I picked this place we're headin' to then," Harvey chuckled, waving for Joker to follow him as he started to walk through the alleyway.

 _"Ooh_ , why?"

"Well... there are plenty of dames, let's put it that way J."

The two criminals headed towards a seedy looking place. Outside, the red neon lights were illuminated, lighting the whole of the street.

Joker laughed. He found it ironic. Men went to this club frequently, and regarded their visits as private and secret - yet the whole place was lit up like a Christmas tree – one that was on _fire_.

On entering, the two of them were allowed in immediately. Apparently they were VIP's.

Inside it was just like the stripper club's that had featured in many crime dramas (Joker liked watching them, he took them to be comedies with tragic endings – the part where the cops win); red lights lit up the side of walls as men sat around tables playing poker or drinking, women in tight black clothing (more like underwear) eyeing up the men as they passed.

Two-Face wolf whistled over the raucous blend of voices and dance music, signalling one woman to strut over to the criminals.

"Hey there Sugar," she said, putting a hand on Harv's shoulder as she fluttered her thick, fake lashes at him. "D'ya need another favour."

"Yeah." Harv replied, chuckling deeply. "It's my old man over here."

He gestured to Joker, who was glaring at him and lighting a cigar that he propped between his lips.

"Excuse me? Who you callin' old, Smokey! That fire must've aged your skin _way_ more than mine! Hey Dollface, come over here and feel how smooth _this_ face is."

The woman shifted uncomfortably, green eyes widening.

"It's ok babe. He does that." Two-Face comforted, winking. "Now, I want you to give him the best damned night of his life. Give 'im plenty of spirits and your best women."

The woman forced a smile, "Of course. If you'd like to come this way Mr – er?"

Joker raised a brow and puffed a cloud of smoke into her dolled-up face, causing her to cough uncontrollably.

"Mr _Bond_."

Two-Face glared at him, "Hey J, what's with the name?!"

"What? That's what guys do when they come _here_ isn't it? Give a false I.D so their dames don't find out!"

"Yeah but - how come you get to choose _Bond_?!"

"First thing I happened to have thought of. Now please Caterpillar Eyebrows, lead on. I've got a plane to _cra_ \- catch."

The lady's lip wobbled at the insult.

"What?!" Two-Face yelled. "You're getting a plane? Don't think you're flying outta here when this is finished!"

"The plane's not for me," Joker muttered, grinning widely. "It's for you Mr Dent."

He linked arms with the woman, "Now c'mon Caterpillar, where are these 'spirit ladies'?"


	10. X

The usual guests at the nightclub were usually there to ogle the women –and the ladies of the night were used to them looking, and even touching them now and again. Any heterosexual man would want that of a woman, to be close to them, to …

But they had never had such a guest as the great Joker before.

As the one now named by Joker as "Caterpillar Eyebrows" led him into a private booth - lit up with fluorescent red lights and thumping from the loud music from outside – he forced a grin as he took the empty seat at the soft, plump sofa that matched the rest of the red-based room. It was quaint, he supposed.

Caterpillar Eyebrows was still loitering by the door, forcing a toothy smile at Joker as she swung her hips to-and-fro.

"What is _that?_ " he asked with a frown. "What is it? _What are you doing?"_

The woman smirked, slowly lifting her dress further up her legs to reveal laced stockings.

"Givin' ya somethin' to look at hon – "

" _Ugh!_ I don't wanna look at _you_ – you look like a man dressed as a woman, with drawn on facial features and plastic woman bits! Get outta here!"

"But Harvey said to give ya our best lady – and here I am Sugar…" she purred, prowling towards him. He actually felt sick as he watched her – he was above all this. For once he was dying for some kind of escape.

"No no _no!_ Back off, you worthless slave! You're probably infected _aren't you?!_ I can't have ill people around me – they irritate me to the core! Actually toots, one question before you um… get any closer… _heh heh_ … how many times do you do it in a day – 'cause y'know, y'must have a lotta stamina doing it more than once…"

The woman giggled dirtily, humming lowly as she crept closer.

"Wait! Do I have to _pay_ for this? Because I'm certainly not paying for torture – _AH!_ You're _hideous!"_

"Oh Honey! _Yes!_ Talk to me like _that_ again!"

She leaned in closer to his ear and sweat began dripping down his temples, hands gripping the sofa arms like he had claws instead of fingers. He took a long sniff and mimicked gagging.

"Ugh! You smell like … a musty old drawer in one of those _antique fairs_ – oh _jeez_! What will it take to make you go away you overly mature _cheese_?!"

The woman backed away, placing a hand on her hip.

"A drink."

Joker narrowed his eyes. _Of course._

" _I see_. So _this_ is Toast's little game _eh?_ Give ol' Joker the torture of experiencing an ugly hag that's not even worthy of having her place on the shelf of a $1 discount store – unless he consumes bucket loads of alcohol!" he yelled, scowling around the room and crossing his arms over with a _"hmph!"_. "Now, why hadn't _I_ thought of that?!"

The woman stood awkwardly, looking hurt.

" _Well?"_

"Well what?" she replied, looking down at her fake nails.

"Go get me cocktails woman! _Lots_ and _lotsa_ cocktails! Or anything strong so it covers up the smell of your worn out _cheese grater_!"

He started laughing maniacally and she gasped, fleeing the room in a quick flash.

Minutes later, the woman returned, tray of various strong vodka based drinks balancing on her palm. "And so the worn out old sock returns!" Joker greeted her with a chuckle. "Don't wear those arms out though. Keep them trays comin'!"

* * *

Two-Face returned to Joker's private booth two hours later, tapping his watch with a half-smile as he knocked on the door. "Hello! 'S me! Harv!" he shouted, to which he got a door shoved in his face as a reply.

"Harv!" the woman said with relief as she swung the door fully open, only to hit him further until he let out a hurt yell. "Oh god! _Harvey!_ I'm so sorry baby! Lemme getcha up!"

She bent down offering her hand, which he took and stood up, dusting off his suit jacket.

"How's the clown doing?" he asked quietly, clearing his throat. "Time's up."

She sighed, fluttering her fake black lashes, "He's won Harv. Every drink I gave him, he necked in two seconds flat! The freak's not a lightweight like you said he was! He's unbelievable!"

Harvey glared at her. "No puking?"

She shook her head.

He grumbled and barged into the door, breath catching in his throat as he laid eyes upon the Joker who wore a lopsided toothy grin.

" _Heyyyy!_ Harfey!" Joker greeted loudly, patting his lap. "My good frien'! That wit- _ch_ over _there…_ she's one _hellufa_ barwoman! D'ya know what she was gonna do to _me?!_ She was goin' to – "

"I can't believe it. You actually did it. You sonuva – "

"Oh you look angry! _Why so angry?_ Oh… _right_ … did I _win?!"_

Joker let out a high pitched cackle – breaking out in hiccups now and again – and dusted off his lap.

"Well you owe me some big bucks Harv, pay me next week… 'cos I'm kinda busy right now… so if ya don't mind I'll be goin' …"

Joker managed to stand up, unable to hide the obvious stagger in his step. He swayed to the left as he took two steps forward, holding both arms out by his sides like an aeroplane in an attempt to keep balance. The woman and Two-Face moved out of his way, blinking in astonishment as he made it to the door, wobbling past them and giggling.

"Any idea when this joint shuts?" he asked, a slight slur to his words.

"Three AM." Caterpillar Eyebrows replied, a confused expression on her plastic features.

" _Ooh!_ I'd shut an hour earlier if I were you… _– hic –_ I mean, I'm only suggestin' that Caterpillar Eyebrows _–hic –_ … I mean you're not _me_ so you probably _won't_ , right?"

"What?"

Joker frowned, _"What?"_

Before they could talk anymore, Joker staggered off through the club, presumably to find the exit – even though where he was heading at that particular moment was the women's changing room, which was soon pointed out to him as a barman escorted him out.

Caterpillar Eyebrows shook her head with relief. "How much – do you _owe_ him exactly?"

"5,000 – _Cash."_

She glared her big brown eyes at him.

"There's no way in _hell_ that I'm gonna get that kinda money for the clown by _next week…"_


	11. XI

Harley was slumped in Joker's armchair, sulking in the dark of the Fun House and staring emptily at a sitcom on the TV. She briefly glanced over at a spoon and the large tub of cookie dough ice cream on the side to her left, and with a sigh she placed the tub onto her lap. She cracked open the lid, sighing again as the scent of processed milk and cream filled her nostrils.

Even _that_ reminded her of him.

The sitcom's laughing track made her roll her eyes as she picked up the metal spoon with her neat fingers, its coldness intriguing her.

"Oh _Puddin'_ ," she whispered, baby blue eyes squeezed shut with heartbreak. "I wish you'd come back …"

She dug the spoon into the caramel coloured ice cream, stuffing it into her mouth as she slowly sobbed, the sitcom having the complete opposite effect on her.

" _Owh Misterh Jway!"_ she cried, words muffled from the amount of food crammed in her mouth.

_Crink!_

Harley jumped into the air at the sound and the tub of ice cream slipped from her tiny hands, smacking against the floor and sending a ripple of creamy half-melted ice cream pooling across the ground.

Harley's blue eyes grew wide, red from the stress and tears but darting around like a deer that had just heard a gunshot ring out.

" _Who's there?!"_ she yelled, her voice steady unlike her very frightened expression.

A brief humming echoed around the lair, her arms reaching up to hug around her torso as the small footsteps grew in volume, to heavy, dank ones. She let out a little "eek!" and took a step back, starting forwards as the door behind her slammed shut.

" _Tee-hehehehe…"_

Harley's eyes widened at the sound and she gasped when she saw a briefly human outline slowly swaying towards her.

As the shape came closer, she squinted at it, and it was strangely familiar – where had she seen that figure before? It was tall and lanky, but oddly staggered, which looked strange because she was used to seeing the shape majestically standing upright.

" _Tah!"_ it proclaimed loudly, a high pitched Joker laugh ringing out devilishly as he lunged towards her and pushed her over in the darkness, staggering over to where she landed.

"Gahahahaha!" Joker laughed, tears watering from his bloodshot eyes, each tear laced with apparent intoxication. "You smell like _milk_ – and caramel! _Gahahahaha!"_

Harley looked up at him helplessly from the ground, eyes wide with happiness and wonder… she'd never seen him so hyper before. Which meant she didn't know what was to come…

"I-I had some ice cream." She replied pleadingly, swallowing when he offered her his hand and pulled her up from the dusty floor. "P-Please don't be mad Mr J! I was upset and – I was missin' you!"

"Awwwww baby!" he exclaimed with a lopsided wet smile, white teeth gleaming at her. "C'mere!"

Joker outstretched his arms, like he was waiting for her to into them. Yet she stayed at least a metre away from him, a puzzled look on her face as she sniffed in his direction.

"Where have you been? You smell… "

Several expressions flickered over his features – confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, and finally giddiness.

He placed a hand over his closed eyes, rubbing them with his pointed thumbs as he sniggered.

" _Harley, Harley, Harley…"_ he breathed, in between laughs and snorts. "You didn't _reeeally_ think I came back here to _apologize_ to you, did you?"

" _I – I – I_ don't _care_ why you're here! _You hurt me!"_ she yelled, little red hands balled into fists as she shook them. "And you come to me all – all – _mind game-y_ and smelling of alcohol! _I hate it!_ This ain't you! This is all…"

His face wore a serious emotion and his posture stiffened back to normal.

"This is all an _act_ , Harl?" he finished with an evil smirk. "Of _course_ it is. I never drank a _single drop_ of alcohol tonight, _did I?_ I mean – _look at me!_ I'd be on a hospital bed after having all those cocktails! _Heh!_ I paid off this so-called _woman_ who had the most hideous eyebrows I've ever seen – they're worse than _Pam's_ Harl! – and she replaced all the vodka with water, 'cos y'know both are clear and obviously it was _my_ idea – "

"We ain't got any money though … How'd ya pay– "

"I threatened to chop her limbs off using a fire axe – even _strip clubs_ have fire regulations – I find that, a thing of _beauty_ …" he sighed, shaking his head in amusement.

Harley gave him a small smile, eyes brightening as she stepped closer to him.

Joker grinned back and placed a long fingered hand on her pale cheek, and she snuggled the rest of her face into his palm. As soon as she stood on her tiptoes for a kiss, he snatched it away in realization and shoved her back, earning a rejected yelp from Harley in reply.

_"Why are you back here?!_ Do you really think _I_ want to see _you_ after what you said to me, you little _brat!"_

She narrowed her eyes, "I'm back here because I have nowhere else to go! So my only option is staying with _you_ – you homicidal piece of sh – "

There was a low rumble, and the sound of airplane rotors coming closer made the two of them pause their argument. After the sound hadn't gone for another ten seconds, Joker and Harley both put their arms up to strike one another in unison, eyes wide and filled with rage.

The airplane noise soon grew louder and louder, then a sudden muffled explosion and jolt of the earth made Harley topple onto Joker, who also stumbled back, the two of them landing on the floor with a pained "Oof!".

"Wh-What was that?" Harley whispered, hugging tight to the Joker's chest, to which he pushed her off a little.

"Get off! _Get offa me!_ " he yelled, flinging his arms in the air in an attempt to flick her off him, like she was an annoying fly (which he often said she was). She stayed close to him, cuddling him tightly out of fear. He sighed and gave up, grumbling curses when she smiled into his chest.

" _Oh!_ That was Harv's little present." Joker chuckled, putting a hand on his forehead to shield his eyes from the dark as well as shielding his amusement. "A good old plane wreckage right over his favourite strip club! Let's just say that, that plane of his certainly wasn't … _delayed! Heh!_ And ugly old _Caterpillar Eyebrows?_ She'll be mere _strands of DNA_ when her body is found blown to bits, in all corners of Gotham!"

He giggled again.

"Couldn't have him finding out that I 'cheated' could I?" he whispered down to Harley with a wink.

When he didn't get a reply, he frowned, _"Harl?!"_

All he got in return was a light snore and a little coo.

He rolled his eyes, then smiled, watching her sleeping peacefully on him.

" _Me too Kiddo,"_ he said quietly, small smile clinging to his lips.

He closed his eyes and laid lifelessly beneath her, arms by his sides instead of hugging around her.

His smile grew wider and he kissed the top of head, whispering, " _Me too."_


End file.
